Unanswered (revised)

On Mother’s Day we called Sam’s birth mom, first mom, Tea.

He heard her voice for the first time, on the voice mail.

She hasn’t called back yet.

In my mind I have written any number of stories around it; It was too much for her. She was angry. She was hurt. She was unprepared for hearing his voice for the first time.

None of these may be true.

He asked me yesterday if we could call her back.

No, I replied, let’s her give a chance to call us back when it is a good time for her to talk.

Minutes later he scratched a deep line into the kitchen table with the back of his fork.

***

After posting this last night, I received a very thoughtful response off line from a professional in the field. They read the post, know our family in a much larger capacity than this blog alone. Their words paraphrased; “This must be one of the hardest parts of an open adoption relationship-managing expectations and needs concerning the birth mother. Especially when you don’t know her wants and needs. How can you protect Sam from potentially experiencing this rejection all over again. How do you talk to him about WHY he is reaching out and wants to talk to her, and provide expectations for him?” Then she went on to pose questions that allowed be to be reflective about some of his very testing behavior since then.

This is so hard to manage!  Is a “set up” now better than, a “set up” later? Can you compare the two? How do I know when this is too much for him, or too much for her? What part of my grief and longing in the last two days has been related to all of this? this conversation is wildly helpful to me. This is why we have this community.

What would you add to this conversation? How have you managed this piece as a parent, an adoptee, or a birth mom?