Finding Our Jingle & Jam Again

Divorce has not been a fa-la-la- friendly event in Mama C ville. To be honest I was sort of hoping we could just quietly tip toe past most of December without anyone noticing.

That box of ornaments in the attic that I hastily separated into ours and no longer ours last summer felt like it belonged to Pandora’s past and not mine. I was overcome with grief. Alexa was banned from all holiday music, and just get to January was my mantra.

And the boys?

Right.

Mama C and the boys.

Having survived my own parents’ painful divorce as an adolescent I knew the treacherous potential of this terrain. It can be confusing and lonely to hold your own sadness, anger, or loss if you see your parent struggling. How do you get your own needs met?

So as is often the case with my chaos with consistency life- action is the only way through; “Alexa play holiday music, damn it!”

And she did.

I brought the boys together over a breakfast fit for the magi and laid it out; “Before I met Shrek this time of year was so spectacular for the three of us. I took so much pleasure in creating magic with you both. This season is about celebrating family, welcoming winter, making our own traditions while honoring the ways those around us celebrate too.” I paused. I could feel relief creeping in with caution.

“Does that mean we are getting a tree?”

The hope and trepidation in my son’s voice was everything I feared and needed to hear.

I showed them pictures from holidays past. Talked about the things we used to love to do when we were little like dancing in the kitchen to holiday music, playing holiday hide and seek, making ornaments and crafts, and being surrounded by family and friends. The rest is history.

Of course took I took great delight in reminding them that in a few weeks when Sammy turns 14 it is the anniversary of me becoming a mother, the greatest gift of all.

So the tree is up, and new ornaments have been added to the old ones. We are holding what we have lost with care, while reminding ourselves together that at this moment we are OK. “Life is full of heart break boys,” I told them as eyes rolled, and the can you not looks kicked in, “and how I love you two is all that I ever need to trust that love always wins!”

My audience was fully over it.

“Can we eat the cookies now?”

“I get the biggest one!”

Alexa play; “Little Drummer Boy.”

Sending love and ease to all of you, with particular grace and compassion to those of you for whom the season holds a heavy heart at times. Sammy suggests finding something to drum on if you want to feel better quickly. It has always worked for him.

Are you considering adoption? Wondering if open adoption is something you will know how to navigate? Looking for support as a single parent or with post divorce parenting? My coaching practice covers all of these areas and more. Contact me today to schedule our first free call.

Forward and then some

Things are looking up!

A new perspective is often the outcome of a painful situation. I am learning that I need to slow down and take in new and often uncomfortable information about myself before I will be able to move “forward”. Only then can I do so with ferocity and care.

Forward does not mean “move on”. Forward means movement towards the future. If I’m not happy with how I do things (parent, love, nourish, connect, create, agitate) I get clear about why and what to do with that moving forward.

Recently a judge granted my husband and I an uncontested divorce. For months I grieved for all that would be lost in saying goodbye to the relationship I was wholy invested in. At the same time I was holding my two sons in their own unique ongoing grieving process. We are all figuring it out and adjusting. This has been such a difficult and painful time.

I have not moved on from loving as fully as I knew how. I remind myself that I did the best I knew how at the time, and have grown from every choice I had to make for me, and for the well being of my family. I wish Shrek a healing and meaningful journey towards happiness in the future as well.

The boys and I are good. We have arrived as only we know how in this moment, together. I trust that we will do so with compassion and integrity and a fearless desire to be guided by both. I watch as my children question what love and commitment can look like and trust their own hearts in the process.

In the next few weeks I will be sharing several new directions Mama C and the Boys are going. There are some really big changes afoot and some that I will look to your guidance and feedback in bringing to life. I look forward to including you on the journey.