14 years ago I got “the call”

On his birthday last week Tea (Sammy’s birthmom) texted to let me know she’d reached Sam to wish him a happy birthday. She said he told her he was “skating w/ a bunch of white ppl. Lol.”

I wrote back; Wait did he tell you that was his idea?! 😜 Going to a movie with a bunch of not white ppl later tonight.

She texted back; πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Bumblebee was good. See y’all soon!

I replied; Can’t wait!

Everything about our exchange makes me happy:

  • Her and I are texting about him on his birthday.
  • He’s telling her like it is.
  • She’s telling me about it, and offering her own insights.
  • We are headed to see her and the family next month and everyone is talking about it with excitement.

Co-parenting across the country open adoption style.

Fourteen years ago this week I received the call that the baby who would become Samuel was born. Both his birth mother and the son I would raise and love on were healthy and resting. “And there’s more great news,” the adoption agency placement director said. “She wants you to call her. Do you have a pen?” It was 5:40AM and everything was spinning; “Wait? What?”

You see for the months leading up to this day I was told she was not interested in an open adoption and did not want to be asked to talk about it again. While I was disappointed I could not imagine the experience she was going through and fully respected her choice. Learning I was who she wanted to parent her son (because like her I would be a single mother and at the time I was a teacher which she aspired to becoming) was enough. I wasn’t going to say no because of her lack of interest in open adoption. Maybe in time she would change her mind?

Gazing down at the hospital phone number and instructions for handling the hospital paperwork I hung up the phone with the agency and proceded to run around the apartment screaming my awe and joy to the ceilings. The suitcase was packed, the car seat was by the door. I had plane tickets to buy, and family and friends to contact…

But first I had to call her. Doubt came crashing into the kitchen, and sat on my lap nearly tipping me over. What if when I called her she changed her mind? What if when I arrived she and I didn’t connect? What if I wasn’t really up to this after all? Was I going to be a good enough parent? How could I presume to know how to parent a Black boy as a white woman?

I’m sure I reached for the phone 16 times. When I finally had the courage to enter into this new miraculous life I had worked so hard for it unfolded with care and quiet ease (at first). The hospital room phone was ringing.

I don’t even remember my awkward introduction. But I’ll never forget her first description of him;

“He’s the biggest boy in the nursery. I call him Fatso. He’s scaring all the other babies cuz he’s so big.”

I asked after her. Did she need anything?

“I need you to get here. And he needs a name.”

Oh right. The name.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If you are wrestling with doubts about your family’s open adoption journey, or are looking for some additional support navigating any part of your 20th Century Family story I’m available for individual coaching. Learn more here.

The Black Girl in Maine Podcast has arrived

The podcast has dropped! In it you will hear MamaC speak from the heart as you would expect.

I first met Shay Stewart-Bouley aka Black Girl in Maine through her writing, and presentations on antiracism and decentering whiteness. We have been on panels and symposiums together and share our stories of raising Black children in Maine, the whitest state in the country.

Shay and I get raw and real on transracial open adoption, impacts of daily racism and microagressions on the boys, unpacking whiteness, and why I left my 9-5 as a newly divorced single parent. The episode explores if and why I’m qualified to do my work as an equity and inclusion facilitator in schools, and as a 20th centurty family formation coach working with individual clients.

This podcast marks the true arrival of me knowing what I do best, and how I choose to share my unique and valuable experience with the world.

Please consider making a contribution to support more podcasts from Black Girl in Maine Media if you like what you hear. It was indeed an honor to be invited to participate on this nationally and internationally recognized platform. I look forward to hearing your impressions after you give a listen.

Keep questioning how your beliefs are serving you, and hold your littles and your loved-ones close.

Fresh new look for Mama C

Introducing a new fresh look for MamaCandtheBoys. I love how aligned it feels with the new direction my life has taken. It is hard for me to express all the gratitude I feel for the many opportunities I am being invited to explore for my work in the world around race, equity, supporting 20th century families and our schools. So naturally I decided it was time for a little line up and a fresh coat of paint!

Did you know there are over 1000 MamaC subscribers? I am so thankful for this growing audience each time I send out a new post. To celebrate I am running a special Premium Coaching Package for anyone who signs up by December 15th, 2018 for 2019 Coaching. I wanted my subscribers and long time readers to know about it first because the slots will go quickly.

To learn more about what my coaching practice is about and the special offer please go here. The recent opportunies to work with clients has been the most exhilarating shift. It’s like my blog coming to life through deep listening, personalized support, and sharing.

I asked one of my newer clients Emily if she could explain what it’s been like working with me. In her own words; “Working with Catherine has been an incredibly supportive experience. Catherine will skillfully guide you to uncover your own answers to some of the toughest questions surrounding trans racial adoption, race, birth family relationships and more, by guiding you deep into your own heart. Catherine is thoughtful and efficient in her work as a coach, drawing from her skills in guidance, deep listening, and her own experiences, she will help you to not only feel supported in this new adventure, but challenged in beautiful and meaningful ways.”

Bonus: for the first three new clients I register I will include a fifth session free! Imagine that.

Take great care and continue to hold each other close.