Note to reader: a glossary of terms appears at the end of the post for the reader not fluent in current adolescent vernacular.
I am so grateful for the subtle shift that a new year allows me to orient around. This was evident to me as I was fastidiously vacuuming up pine needles yesterday afternoon. It was as if I thought with each one that got sucked up into that vacuum another tear that I had shed this year went with it.
On the home front and the world stage there was just so much hard to hold in the last twelve months. Losing my identity as a “married” person was the most disorienting event of the year. Although my marriage was only four years old-my expectations about who I should and would become in that role was lifelong. I sense that like many I’d unconsciously internalized messaging that one must do this “I do” dance in order to cross over a threshold into societal acceptability. As you might have guessed that did not happen for me. This has nothing to do with the person I married. It has everything to do with who I am and how I roll.
Until I determine that I am acceptable in how I do this life nothing else can give that to me. There is no human or event powerful enough to tell me that I have arrived at any threshold.
I am blessed with a few very deep friendships. The greatest ah-ha moment of 2018? I now realize that I do not treat myself with the same kindness, compassion, and admiration that flows effortlessly towards them. If they came over feeling anxious or grieving would I berate them with questions about how come it didn’t work out, or ply them with alcohol to deaden their feelings? Would I mock or discourage them from following their dreams? Or if they called to share a hard earned accomplishment would I diminish it and take away the credit as something that probably was not deserving of so much attention?
So when my 14 year old son asked me to go to the YMCA with him for a ping pong rematch I sent myself a little internal text that went something like this; “💥💃🚀⭐ You know you’re crushing it when you’re 14 year old requests time alone with you on his turf, because you are that good at ping 🏓pong”.
Yes he won 3 out of 5 games but I held my own. And at that moment absolutely everything in my world was without lack of any kind, and I knew that I was a lowkey acceptable mom.
2019 it is so good to finally meet you.
Glossary (since not all my readers have familiarity with current adolescent vernacular)
Bruh: (noun) male friend greeting, or (more commonly used in our home thus way, from the urbandictionary.com:) 1. word you say when someone says something stupid. 2. Word that means seriously?
Example: Me: Yes you can eat them. They are edible flowers. Sam: Bruh.
Lowkey: (adverb) this new non hyphenated version very common in our house (from urban dictionary.com) means
1: moderately: of low emotional intensity
Example: Sam posted a picture of the bear claw slippers I got him for Christmas with this sentence My lowkey lit new slippers. (“Lit” means very cool.)
I have been reading your blog for about 10 years! I haven’t always been an attentive reader, but I am glad that you are back to writing regularly. I have an almost 6yo as a SMC and your words have always been empowering to me. I am very aware of the fact I am raising a boy who will one-day be a white man and we strive to have important conversations about current and historical events about racism, sexism, and classism. Thank you for always being a light.
What a tremendous gift your words are. Feels like such an endorsement of my writing and my decision to share so much of our lives with the world. Thank you. Stay in touch and keep up your good work!