When fear takes the mic

I was whole heartedly NOT prepared for what I experienced yesterday: an implosion of fear that I was losing Sam.

His communication style is minimalist to be generous. (Mine is megaAF.) So when almost 24 hours passed with not much more than a “Hey” text, and “I’m fine Mom. I have to go..” call I started to fill in the blanks with crazy making fear based story.

I started to believe what some have asked me; “Do you worry he won’t want to come back?” And “Could his family offer for him to stay longer? Like for the school year? Or..” And when my most gruesome gut twisting heart shredding gremlin made it to the mic all I could hear was; “Sammy thinks you WANTED him out.. He’s already forgotten you. Ha! Ha! Ha!!” (Insert vile glaring dragon bulging eyes here). It was a very, very long day.

Then last night two miracles happened. First you all circled in tight and reminded me that this moment was courageous and necessary. You reminded me that for all MY feelings there were 10,000 accompanying feelings happening across the country. Sammy was completing the circle.. Everyone was shifting, a family system was reconfiguring itself. Exoansion. Give him time. This is LOVE in action.

Then his mom texted with a question about video games. ‘Did I allow him to… ” Within moments (and drenched in tears) I get the text; “teamwork”. We navigated together how to hold Sam accountable to both of us, and to himself. #mamasdontplay was our hashtag.

Did I ever hear from Sam? Yes. But for that you’ll have to wait because in ten minutes Marcel and I get on the plane. And his JOY is palpable and requires all of me too.

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