Sammy was just reading this sweet book to Marcel. He is such an amazing reader. He is also a very deep and intuitive young man. With Mother’s Day approaching I asked him if he’d like to help me make or pick out a card for his first mom. His response; “Mommy I think she needs a break from you and me. Let’s just skip it. She’ll write us when she is ready.” For those of you who have not been following, the short version is that after a long distance open adoption for the last seven years-mainly through letters, and texts, Sam’s first mom “Tea” has been out of touch with us for almost a year. Despite numerous attempts to connect, to sort through what may have gone wrong, she has chosen not to respond. Sam is aware of her silence on many levels. As much as I try to shelter and protect him from the disappointment and hurt, there is only so much I can say. He is left with his own sorting out that I am rarely privy to.
I sent her a sweet, somewhat light, and very heart felt card to acknowledge all the amazing love we feel for her, and her family.
Sammy did not want to sign it.
It is his choice. It is her choice. It is still hard.
For another particularly poignant piece on the subject of Mother’s Day and the adoptive parent in an open adoption relationship please see this post from See Theo Run.
Addendum: The next day. I received several off line emails since posting this. I gather from this response that folks are deeply concerned about my well being. Sam, one commenter said seems to be doing just great. Dear readers-I am fine. I just feel some deeply intense loss, and that loss is compounded by the presence of what is already, and has always been a complicated little day for me as a mother. Like many of you, reaching motherhood was not via the path I expected or imagined. There is no “better way”, or “easier way.” There is just the way one reaches it, if one is able in this lifetime to do so. As many of us know, there are no givens, even if as little girls and boys we are led to believe that parenthood is one big stop on the line, if you get on that bus…I am rambling. Clearly there is no such thing as a neat little post about something so BIG as Mother’s Day.
I am also really looking forward to celebrating with my kids. Shrek has been planning all sorts of lovely surprises with them which is ridiculously sweet. It is just that I hold the “event” of Mother’s Day in two very separate places, and was looking to acknowledge that here. Maybe my work is to integrate it all a little better.
Oh, that is hard. You are amazing for trying to keep his birth mother in his life.
I want him to always have the opportunity to have a relationship with her, when they are both ready. And, I really want to know her and her extended family too. Marcel as well. It is such a layered and powerful wish.
Such a wise little boy though… wow.
Yes. He is indeed my teacher. Over and over again.
That is tough! I am so sorry for both of you that she has gone MIA without even explaining. So tough.
I never thought about it that clearly. That even a two sentence explanation would have been so appreciated. I am realizing that this may never happen. What I just hold onto is that one day they will have each other to connect with.
Sounds like you are struggling to trust that you all will come together when you all are ready – including her. Sam seems to trust that inherently – he sees it as her just needing a break. Maybe you see it as something more final? But why? I know it has been almost a year, I can’t imagine how difficult that is. I just wish for you peace and hope – that things will happen as they are meant to, when they are meant to. HUGS To you – try to soak up all the wonderfulness that your children bring to you on this special day:).
To give you a little hope maybe, the kid’s birth family went MIA out of the blue with no explanation for almost 2 years. They popped up on facebook, like nothing had happened. We’re working on figuring out now how to talk to them about our need (and mostly’ the kid’s need) for a little heads up next time they need that break. Here’s hoping she will turn back up, for all of you.