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What I want us all to see

April 9, 2012

Sammy in his Easter threads

Yesterday I sent a text;

“Sammy before church. I told  him how proud you’d be of him, looking so sharp. Happy Easter to you and your family.”

I included the above picture.

I pictured her and her family at church. It was one of the real reasons we rallied to go too. If he were being raised by his biological mother, I know she would have taken him to church today. I imagine he would have been dressed this well with her too. Of this I have little doubt.

She said in her interview that that she wanted a God fearing woman..

Then she settled for me.

I told him how proud his ministerial relations would be, if they could see him on Easter so put together and strong. I make sure that biblical understanding is part of his upbringing so that one day when he is sitting across from his birth family, he will not be out of place in that way too.  He had three stickers on his lapel after Sunday school, for that many right answers during Jesus Jeopardy; I remembered who moved the big rocks Mommy-the angels.

It is remarkable to me, how much Sammy wanted that suit, how profoundly his own style is emerging without the slightest provocation from me.

 It has been eight months of silence. He no longer asks what happened to her.

I was so proud of the open adoption relationship we had. I took it for granted. Then, for reasons I have owned as my fault things went cold.

I listened to birth mothers, counselors, God, and my own heart.

I wrote to her my everything.  This remains unanswered too.

Then, seeing him in that suit I was moved as if by divine intervention, to reach out one more time seeking redemption or resurrection or both, I sent that text.

Looking so strikingly  handsome & beautiful like her, I thought he’d be too hard to resist.

Sammy is seven.

He is my son. He is her son too.

He wants to be seen, by all of us.

My hope for this Easter?

Boulders will move.

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14 Comments leave one →
  1. April 9, 2012 7:33 pm

    I LOVE this. My heart breaks for you, for Sammy, and for his birth mother too. He’s a handsome and strong young man, both because of what he gets from her (and her family) and what he gets from YOU too. I’m praying that the huge boulder will move in an awesome way. Thank you for sharing your heart and for continuing to be open to and to want a relationship. *hugs* You are wonderful.

    • April 9, 2012 7:47 pm

      Thank you for such loving words all around. I have been sitting so deeply with this post. It is such an intense and necessary to share story that strikes so many in so many ways. I hope many can take something important from all of it..

  2. April 9, 2012 8:04 pm

    This is so lovely. My children’s adoptions are closed but I still think about their birth mother’s often and do my best to make them proud. I just want everyone to love them as much as I do.

  3. April 9, 2012 9:00 pm

    I think it’s great you are willing and able to continue reaching out – even knowing she may not be ready to reach back. I hope one day she is able to find her way back into his life, for you, for her, but especially for him. He does look sharp, and even if she doesn’t respond, she saw it, and I believe you’re slowly rebuilding, one moment at a time.

  4. galfi permalink
    April 10, 2012 7:21 am

    I am not in your situation, or hers, but this is my thought. Even if it takes her years to come back to you, keeping the communication open from your end (undoubtedly as difficult as it is) will ensure that when she is ready, she’ll know the path is open for her and how to get to it.

  5. April 10, 2012 6:56 pm

    Oh, this is heartbreaking to read, for so many reasons. I can feel in my gut the intense grief that all of you must be experiencing. I agree with others that you are leaving the path to you and Sammy open…and I do believe one day, she’ll be ready to re-enter that relationship. I just hope it is sooner rather than later.

  6. Ellen permalink
    April 11, 2012 12:54 am

    I feel all you write. I feel it all.

  7. April 12, 2012 12:20 am

    Wow! This post brought tears to my eyes! Your Sammy is so handsome! Mine is too and he’s 23 months old 🙂 I envy the relationship you had with his birth mom because we haven’t had any contact with my son’s birth mom. I hope 2012 brings you renewed contact and our first contact with our boys birth moms.

  8. April 12, 2012 10:36 pm

    it is heartbreaking, but you are doing what you can. you cannot take all responsibility, as relationships are a two-way street. you can only do what you can do. you can keep extending yourself, you can remain open. but you can’t move mountains (or boulders) all by yourself. you also have to remember why you made those decisions at the time, for your son. and now you are doing what you can to rebuild that foundation for the future. I hope one day she will find her way back to your family and your sweet handsome boy.

  9. April 14, 2012 8:54 pm

    You are Sam’s mom. His now mom, his forever mom. You laugh with him, cry with him, play with him, guide him, cherish him. Sam is your son and you love him. It would be nice if his first mother accepted the awesome opportunity you are providing her to be part of Sam’s life, but really, in the end, you and Marcel are what Sam needs to grow into the fine man he is so obviously destined to be. Her rejection of Sam is sad, unnecessary and selfish, but his first mother is making a choice for her own reasons. They are not about your son, they are about her. When Sam is an adult, he’ll “get” that, until then, you are doing your job as his mom to protect him from hurt. I’m an adult adoptee who knows the pain of rejection. Sam is being given the tools he will require to navigate the minefield of emotions adopted children face. Sam’s a lucky little boy, he has a strong, intelligent, astute, fierce mom. He’ll be fine.

  10. April 19, 2012 12:39 am

    So handsome! I hope everything works out.

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