Last night our friend Roy gave Sam a line up for picture day.
I still fret and wonder about what his birth mother will infer when she looks at the school picture each year.
I want her to approve of his style, smile, hair, and overall presence.
I want to reassure her that he is loved, beyond fine, healthy, thriving, fashionable, provided for, self confident, and happy.
I want her to look at his picture and know that she made the right choice.
A nice line up isn’t going to have that effect on her.
I’d do anything I could if I thought it might.
Of course my job is to know that she did.
As I send off my packet of pictures, captions and a summarized version of months of change that occurs by the second, I wonder those very same things. I may never know if she satisfied by her decision but I am grateful, priveledged and honored to be my now TWO year olds mama. I know you can identify with that. One day at a time, we do the best we can and as adoptive parents educating ourselves everyday, trying to do everything under a microscope. I’m pretty proud of all of us.
I disagree. A lineup may just show her that your are letting him have freedom of choice and this is what he is choosing. This is how he is choosing to represent himself at this time in his life. As a mother, that’s what I want to see in my child–whether that’s through the use of a lineup, spikes and gel, dying his hair, an earring (although I’m so not ready for that), Letting a choose express him/herself style-wise is a way of loosening the reins. I think his first mom would approve of you giving him that freedom. A lot of parents wouldn’t–adoptive or not.
@ Angelica–Happy YEAR 2! Huge. Your line “under a microscope..” got me.
@ NancyI love the line about all the hair styles/ways that a child might choose to individuate! Question-Do you disagree with the fact that a line up shows he is well cared for? Perhaps that “line” was more directed to those parents and guardians who include learning to properly care for very curly hair as something being a transracial parent has taught them. It is the line, the culture of the Black Barber Shop in some cases, the learning around products that is all new to our learned experience of hair care growing up if we are not sporting very curly hair. And I see your point. But really I pretty much insisted he get his line up–but he could have said no and won. But I suggested it strongly!
I honestly don’t think a hair style shows whether a child is taken care of or not. If it turns out that it was you who wanted the lineup and he agreed, well, then he agreed. It was you trying yet another way to have him connect with his AA roots and cureent AA culture is how I would itnerpret it. Do you know the hair styles that his first mom’s other children wear. Maybe she’ll look and go Wow, that’s just like xxx, how wonderful. And BTW, she knows, you know, and Sam knows that the right choice was made.Never an easy choice, but certainly the right one. xoxox
I’ve never even heard of a line-up but I know what you mean about wanting to do the right thing even though you ARE doing the right thing just by being a great caring mama. ((run-on sentence!))