This morning I cancelled or rather postponed indefinitely the trip to meet Sam’s birth/first mom in two weeks.

There are things you can write about, and things you can’t. It is so hard for me not to share the layers of this story.

And, maybe the journey we were supposed to make across the country- we made right here-this time.  We made a journey closer to each other in ways that were entirely unexpected, painful, and remarkable all at once.

We found the outer edges of our shared capacity. We are now making our way back to the middle. I am Sam and Marcel’s mom. I am also Catherine who has her own needs and limits. It was too much for me to imagine going through any of what we have been living here, alone in a hotel across the country for even a day, let alone several of them. I have given myself the courageous (but feels so cowardly) task  of saying, this is just too much for us today.

I could give you a thousand reasons why I thought going was the right thing to do.

I am going to give you three reasons why not going at this time is the better thing to do: Sam, Marcel, me.

Thank you all for your support of us every step of the way.  Please understand if I don’t comment, or write much for a little bit.  I need to regroup, and help us back into the center.

***

Revised: It was suggested by one of the donors that I keep the money in an account for when we do make the trip, or perhaps to offer Tea a ticket to come visit us if and when she would like. However I fully understand if you don’t want to have your contribution be included in that account. So I am fully prepared to refund your contribution if you made one, and would like it back. To do so please email me here: mamacandtheboys@gmail.com.   I am going to get 80% of the airfare back, and maybe 80% of the prepaid-nonrefundable–hotel.

17 thoughts on “Postponed. Indefinitely. Our trip.

  1. All at once I am sad, heartbroken and proud of you for standing up for your families needs. I am sorry you wont be making the trip but happy that you are taking the time to make sure it is the right time.

  2. So sorry to hear you are all struggling. Being a mom means making hard decisions in order to protect your children first, yourself and your family unit. That is what you are doing. Hang in there, momma.

  3. Cathering – sorry to read this and to hear you’re having a stressful time. Sounds like you’ve made the best decision for your family. Sending warmth and strength across the seas.

  4. Hey everyone–thank you for all the support. I will make space to write more about the un doing of the trip–when I can work my way into it objectively–and calmly. But want to let everyone here know that telling Sam was the hardest part, telling Tea, the next hardest part. I’ll share more about those conversations–but for today I want to say–last night was one of the sweetest, easiest, closest nights I have had with Sam and Marcel in months. We were all so loving, and easy, and reassured/reassuring. I heard more unprompted “I love you’s” from Sam in a day then I have in the last three months. He was in my lap reading story with me, a solid little rock of happy and landed. Today? Might be different…but his relief far out weighed his disappointment–which as initial indicators go feels important. It was my choice–as the parent–not his–which is critical. I took back the helm last night–cause that ship was in a big ole storm, and the captain couldn’t reach the wheel… OK enough of the public world of this–back to the private–and these lovely little sweet brown boys I adore. We have an SMC from NC visiting with her two sweet little brown boys today. Playground day. Thank you again–and rest assured that although there is a fist in the bottom of my belly–I’m confident, it too will open and relax in time.

  5. No apologies needed for putting you and your boys first. Hugs to you and the boys during this time and there is no doubt that things will work out when the universe sees fit.

    Extra hug to you…in all this, take care of yourself. You are awesome!!

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