I include the picture above to remind me, and Sam one day if he reads this blog, just how much he will have changed since his first mom last saw him. In the posts leading up to our visit, I’ll continue to include pictures of the first time we met. He was a few weeks old here.
+++
We were looking at a slideshow of the hotel that we are going to be staying in next month when we visit Sam’s birth family when the following conversation happened:
Me: Maybe Tea and the kids would like to come swimming?
Sam: Do they swim as well as I do?
Me: I don’t know. We’ll find out. You’re an amazing swimmer.
Sam: Are they staying at this hotel too?
Me: No. We’re staying there, because it is near where they live. That is why we are going across the country.
Sam: I know. I just thought they’d want to.
Me: If they invite you to spend the night at their house one night that might be fun!
Sam: Would that be safe? I don’t even know them.
Me: You don’t and you do. What I mean is that after spending a few hours jumping around a pool with them, you might find yourself thinking it’s like you’ve known them forever. Tea is your first mom. She loves you-in the way a mom loves you. A very safe way.
Sam: So, I think I’ll call her my Everyday Mom too.
Me: (Pause) No. That’s my name. I’m feeling super clear about that. You will love her everyday in your heart. You can think about her, and talk about her everyday, but that name belongs to me. She asked me to be your everyday mom. She is the only first mom, (or birth mom). I love my role, I love being your second, and your everyday mom.
Sam: So, I have two moms. I really do.
Me: Yes. And I love that I get to be your mom everyday. Is so cool to be clear about who you are sometimes. Is there anything you don’t feel you agree with in my words? Or something you still don’t get?
Sam: I am clear that I have two moms, and that you are not always the easiest mom to live with. Can I please do another experiment now? I won’t destroy anything! ( Insert another post for another day here.)
Me: I don’t doubt it.
+++
Here is the family portrait that I sent out to Tea yesterday! I realized that it might help to prepare everyone in her family for how grown up we look! In the card I sent to her and her kids, and parents, I mentioned how much Sam is looking forward to going swimming in the hotel pool with everyone!
+++
I have raised $500.00 through the blog towards our reunion travel expenses (not including air travel). Mama C readers ROCK IT.
With the money raised so far, I booked two nights at the hotel, and have enough money to fill the gas tank twice! We still have to rent a car for the week, and have money to pay for food along the way! If you like what you are reading, and look forward to learning more about the inner workings of an adoptee/first mother reunion from the (limited) lens of an adoptive mom and hopefully with some insights from others along the way, please consider making a donation here! Thank you!
Mama C I totally get your excitement and attitude of welcoming! It’s lovely! But I caution you NOT to define this experience or this relationship for your son. She MAY feel like a stranger to him and he MAY not love her right away and that is of course OK. It certainly can take time to build a relationship and added pressure to feel a certain way can shut things down. From my own experience Madison’s relationship with Pennie has been complex and loving and challenging and even though we had visits every month from the get-go it took time for them to settle in to each other.
Also one of Madison’s early fears (I wrote about it and can send you a copy if you want) was that we would all forget where she lived and that we would leave her at Pennies or that Pennie would forget to take her home. Until she was able to articulate this fear to us and we were able to reassure her this was a barrier in their relationship. A casual comment about sleepovers would have scared her and she KNEW Pennie.
I know it’s so easy to visit our beliefs about the importance of first family connections on our kids and their first parents but to truly support those connections I feel it is best to be open to many possibilities and to be prepared to offer loving, welcoming support without specific expectations. Write me if you want. I keep getting behind in blog reading.
Dawn,
Thank you for this caution. HUGE red flashing light for me. I will slow down, and work hard on my desired outcomes, and owning them, and not putting them on Sam. Wow. Of course. And the blog is a fraction of a life, and we have had and will have many other conversations–but now thanks to you I can frame them with a very different intro. And this really is about two short visits on a Monday and a Thursday as book ends to another visit out there with family friends too. So there will be some processing time. YES to slowing down, and giving this back to hm to be his, mine to be mine, Marcel’s to be his, and Tea’s to be hers… Thank you, thank you.
I just love that you asked “Is there anything you don’t feel you agree with in my words? Or something you still don’t get?” I hope I remember to do that when I am having important origin conversations with my boys. Thank you.
I love the family portrait. I’m pretty sure that your extended family will love seeing and sharing it when it arrives in their mailbox. I love the conversations that you and the boys have. It sounds like Sam is coming to his own conclusions about what having two moms means, and I am excited for him to be close to fully experiencing what the love of two moms feels like. I can’t wait to learn how he feels after meeting them. He is so expressive! Hugs to you all.
I love the family portrait too! so glad you got it done.
this is such an exciting time, filled with anticipation and I imagine maybe even a little anxiety for everyone. but how wonderful too!
You all do look SO grown-up! What a GREAT family portrait. What an exciting upcoming journey. My heart is with you all and I look forward to oodles of stories and lots of photos…