Sammy Saturday: Can we visit my first mom?
Just like that. He overheard a conversation I was having with friends who are planning a trip to meet their son’s birth parents. Later that night he asked; Mom can we go visit Tea soon?
Because of the conversation I had earlier that day I was already wondering the same question. I often think he has a touch of the mind reader in him though.
He was in the top bunk. He was looking at a picture of her, in a frame across from him on the wall.
Maybe is all I said.
Please? He replied.
I’d like that too. I answered, while looking him in the eye, and rubbing the back of head, standing on the edge of Marcel’s bed. Can I come too? Marcel asked from below.
Of course. We are all one big giant family. Our family. Tea’s family. Tree’s family. Everyone.
Sam looked at me with a smile that reflected his recent maturity-growth spurt. A I have landed in this new place growth spurt.
Let’s keep talking about it, and thinking about it. I’ll write to Tea, and ask her what her summer looks like. Sound good?
I really want to see her. And my siblings. He added.
And your grandparents. I reminded him.
Something my friend Julie, another TRA parent said to me earlier hit home in such a powerful way; We spend so much time and effort cultivating friendships with African American families here, and [our child] has the gigantic family living in another state that could very well be there for him in all sorts of meaningful ways all his life. We just decided it was time to work on that too.
Just like that. They were going to make it happen. I felt so much envy. What was stopping us from doing the same thing? What story had I written that was making that seem implausible?
We talked about how to normalize a visit from adoptive parents for a birth mother who may not have that model already. We talked about how you discover what her or their preconceptions are. How you have that discussion. Or if you need to.
My son’s first family lives across the country.
They have these things called planes.
What better use of my remaining adoption tax credit, then tickets for all of us to go visit? I was once told to wait until he was much older. Whose story is that?
Whose story is this? If Sam is ready, and Tea is ready. Then, Mama C is ready too. Thoughts anyone? What is your experience of taking the step to meet for the first time with “older” kids (as in the age they can remember the meeting, and have input in the decision). How did you prep everyone for the visit? And if you are a first mom/parent/guardian how did you know if you were ready or not ready to make that connection happen?