Am I pushing the first mom piece too far?

Family portrait take II. Sam, Marcel and Mom (dark hair)

Have you ever embraced a parenting strategy, or approach to raising your child that seemed to be such a great idea, you couldn’t imagine why everyone didn’t praise your good judgment?In the first five years of my mamahood I have felt rather adamant about a few such discoveries including; sling wearing, sleep training, “Magic 1-2-3“, formula is best, nursing is best, co-sleeping, organic produce, water filters, providing children with choices.

But lately I’ve been thinking that there is a much larger premise I have assumed was the right choice for Sam, (my six year old son, adopted transracially and domestically at birth) that I question now. I believe that incorporating his birth story into our lives with frequency and normalcy is the key to his successful identity formation in the long-term. But, lately I have been wondering if I don’t take it too far sometimes. Is there a too far?

Take for example this story. Sam is on the floor, playing with a new toy he got on his birthday.“Mom? Do you see my bus go by your school every morning?”

“I don’t think so, baby. The road is on the other side of my building. Why?” I answer with little thought.

“Uh. Just because everyday when it goes by, I blow you a kiss, and tell you that I love you, “ he answers without looking up. What transpired afterwords was an awful lot of loving from me, and a few happy tears.

Later that afternoon, I had a very different response. I wondered if I have worked so hard to create a space for Sam to love both his first mom (birthmom) and me, that I in some ways fail to definitively claim the space of everyday MOM for him and me.


To read more of my thoughts on this, and hopefully to add yours please go to the rest of the post at Mixed and Happy which will be appearing today, Tuesday.


  1. Such an adorable comment.

    I’ve wondered the same thing. I don’t want the fact of his adoptedness, two momness, transracianess to be a BIG DEAL. I want it woven in to thru fabric of OUR lives. That said, I want him to know that we are his parents. What a dance?!

    BTW – Does that 1,2,3 thing work?

    • YES the 1,2,3 thing works. Check out the blog, or the book. I am a HUGE fan, and it was recommended hands down by my best friend the psychologist , and mother of 3.

      Yes to woven. Yes to “I am the mom.” Yes to balance.

  2. Well, that explains that! My room IS on the street side and some mornings I would feel this sudden ‘kiss’ flying in through the window looking for its rightful owner! Somedays I take it and other days I send it down the hall. I hope that on some of the days you feel that sudden smooch upon your face that has been diverted from elsewhere. You should keep your door open, and I will do my best to get it to you when it enters my room.
    You should also check with Mr. G, Ms.C, Ms. T and Mr. H, too. They might be getting the kiss, too!
    Good job, Sammy!!

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