The all encompassing end of year post boils down to this: what were the good, not so good, or well informed, hasty choices I made this year. I spend so much time saying these words; “is that a good choice, or a not so good choice…” that I’ve come to see my entire world through this lens.
Best choice I made around my children: to reveal as much truth as I was able to around Marcel’s story. Where I held fear, tension, and constant guard around “the story” is now a cleaned out room in my conscience. Marcel shows a picture of his donor, Tree, to everyone he thinks of. His story is back where it belongs, in the world. Ease.
Most conflicted choice I finally had to stop making: To date. I managed it, or we managed it for about three months. Then my ability to balance the good and hard work of being in relationship became too much for me to manage well. The joy was tremendous. The amount of time I spent torn between being present enough for me, the kids, and the relationship simultaneously became the deal breaker. That I never wrote about it here, should tell you just how hard it was for me to integrate the “dating me” into the larger picture. Do I believe it is important to pursue that part of me? Absolutely. Do I believe I am ready to do that now? Um. Can’t say.
Easiest choice, with highest outcomes for all: inviting my brother and his good friend to take over the upstairs apartment when our beloved tenants/friends of three years moved to another continent. As co-housing, co-parenting, co-figuring it out goes we are all living and learning and the boys are clearly benefiting from the territory we are staking. We have material for another book here. No, really.
Choice that I might have made too quickly, but thankful I did: To host and co-organize a two day transracial/ school age adoption workshop with Adoption Mosaic in October. Without Julie (this Portland), Tara (that Portland) and Astrid (guru of any Portland) I would have walked away from it many times. With their help, it happened, and was most likely a life shifter and changer for many. To all the people who made the choice to participate in the event, I continue to thank you.
Choice I can’t seem to make: do I focus on a book-book (Mama C with a spine so to speak) or a collection of poetry, or a workshop presenter with e-books on the side. What do I really have to say, and how to I want to say it differently than I do here?
Most surprising social media choice: taking a significant Fa-cation. it’s been a couple of months since I pulled the plug on my FB accounts (personal and Mama C). I miss many of the people I had quick connects with. I don’t miss the act of the quick connect. It goes against my wiring. I am such a huge fan of the long and rambling dinner with a few good friends.
Largest choice I wrestled with: to move or stay in Maine. I’ll inevitably be revisiting this one over the years. But, for the time being anyway, the choice to stay here in terms of our gigantic friendship/family network, the kids schools, and my professional life all continue to feel right.
Worst choice I made physically: that last run that sent my plantar fasciitis into the realm of severe. I have been in treatment/physical therapy for this condition for over three months, with very little relief. That I was a runner for twenty years up to this point, and that I have little to aerobic activity while partially hobbled is quite hard.
Choices I want to make in the new year: Laugh more. Stand up straight. Drink more water. Listen, hug on, love my kids more. Tolerate ineffective communication (in myself in others) less. Choose to put myself out there even more-with the work and voice that makes Mama C, Mama C.
What are the good choices you made this year? What are the not so good ones? How have they informed your visioning of 2011?
Tomorrow I will unveil my decision to participate, or not participate in the WordPress Post a day challenge 2011. I’m weighing it carefully. You?
Love your post. Thanks you for sharing with such openness and honesty!
Some days, openness and honesty feels like all I got! Thanks for reading.
Oh my goodness. Thank you for commenting! I’m always looking for more single mom’s to interact with. (prep. ending sentence. Sorry Ms. Plisga). I’m so sorry I missed the conference this fall. It was on my radar at one point and then again- the DAY OF! (crap- Sorry again). One day soon- I hope to go back and get caught up on your writing. Stay in touch. my public email is gon_hikn93 at yahoo.
I didn’t realize that you were nearby did I? Would be great to connect. I’ll email this week.
I feel like I have so much unravelling to do in order to even get some ideas down for the coming year. Sorry about the relationship ; I can only imagine how difficult it would be to integrate another person into your life.
It is hard. Thank you for picking up on that part. I’m in a much better place to day because of all of it, so there you go. One day at a time…