Videos from your first mom

Sammy and his first mom-by Sam for her card

A text message; “tell Sammy I love the necklace. It is sooooooo pretty. Thank u.” A text message that Sammy read by himself, because that is what you in do in kindergarten. You sound things out.  His first text message he read by himself-was from his first mom.  Tears in my eyes for a lot of reasons.

Back story: Sammy’s first mom, Tea (a pseudonym) had a birthday recently. Sammy bought her a necklace and we sent it to her. (Of course there is a great story within this story. But for that piece, you’ll have to become a subscriber to The Adoption Constellation-where the bigger story will be unveiled in the winter issue, coming out this January.)  Five seconds after I wondered out loud how her birthday was, the text message arrived.

A video: Then she sent us a twenty second video, from her phone, of her thanking him for the necklace which she is wearing, and telling him she loves him. Followed by another twenty second video of another member of her family doing the same. Only this family member, a sibling, adds how they miss him too.

Just like that.

You have this family, talking to you from a little box that doesn’t enlarge very well, and that is probably OK because your world just got distorted enough.

Your first mom, and your sibling are across the country video taping themselves thanking and missing you. How do you miss someone you don’t recall ever having met? You were six days old, on the way to the airport, the last time you saw that sibling. It was a quick visit, after the compact went through.

When your first mom left the room with you to get a letter she had written for your everyday mom to read on the airplane- and not before-you were not aware that this was moments before you said goodbye to her for a lifetime, in a way.

Technology makes a first family so accessible for some. In Sam’s case I wasn’t clear how much of that moment he was able to take in, and how much of it, he was caught in some loop in his head going; “What ? Who How? Huh?” He takes the world in stride or so it appears.

I do know that he asked me if he could show the video to one our dearest friends the next night. I do know that in the dream he had about her the next day, he “beat her in a video game.” I do know that I told him it felt “great and weird” for me to see her video. I do know that when I asked him if he knew what I meant he said; “Y-E-S”.


  1. That must have been a hard moment for both of you. Technology is an amazing thing when it connects people I understand and feel your question…how can you miss someone you don’t know. Yet our kids miss these little parts of their lives. These parts that make them feel “whole” even when we complete them. Take one experience at a time and believe things will be ok….as much as they can anyway 🙂

  2. Do you guys have an open adoption where Sam sees his first family once a year or did you guys only agree to communicate by phone? Do you guys ever plan to meet in person?

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