For some reason that number, 20,000 feels so meaningful.
20,000 blog hits to this new Mama C home in a handful of months.
Of course a “hit” jut means you read one post, and might of “hit” another, and then one more.
Maybe you skimmed.
Maybe it was just the pictures.
(Maybe you were looking for something else?)
However that ticker climbed, it got there, and one by one, my words have touched some, and brought many back.
This blog is an extended member of our family, a conduit to something larger than me, a life line, and a source of deep relaxation for me. It is a mystery, and a known entity. It is a part of my identity now, as are my readers, known and unknown.
I’ve been under the weather for almost three weeks with some mystery thing that the docs are stumped by. No need to bore you with details, but suffice it to say, that although reassured that every test known to the medical establishment says I’m fine on paper, my kids will tell you, that Mom isn’t herself. An energy and stomach and head thing. A-I wish I could play soccer with you–but I’m confined to this bench for the moment thing. A source of concern for the kids, even as I try my best to tuck it away, and pretend. Who can pretend to not be nauseated? But, it comes and goes, and we capitalize on the upswings. Mysteries are hard in a world of on demand everything. Mysteries are also deeply valuable.
Maybe the universe is just asking me to slow down, and appreciate that 20,000 comes from a whole lot of ones put together. I’ve been saying no to a lot of things, and saying yes to precious few. I’ve been sitting down and watching the goofy dvd with the kids, instead of rearranging the world while they watch. I’ve been sitting with this body, and asking her what she needs me to understand.
The other reason I’ve been quiet here is that I’m getting all my very important ducks lined up for the unveiling of the amazing two day transracial parenting, and adoption issues in school workshop I am bringing to Portland, Maine from Portland Oregon via Adoption Mosaic in October. Crazy amounts of details that I didn’t think about when we hatched this plan have needed tending to. Apparently one doesn’t just host a workshop. You have to find a place, and design flyers, ads, and press releases, and get all the right language, and create a registration process, and identify advertising spaces, and meet deadlines, and communicate with all sorts of people about all sorts of things.
It will be for two days, (October 22nd and 23rd, 2010) and it is going to rock the local transracial adoption community’s socks off. It is the workshop I have always wanted someone to offer in Maine. So now someone is, and that someone is Adoption Mosaic and me. Mama C readers will get the very first opportunity to sign up, and space is limited, so start planning your Maine getaway now! All will be revealed mighty soon.
It is dark and quiet in my apartment, except for the radio of the car parked right next to my window. The fan is whirring gently. I got off the phone with my dear friend Lauren who just moved half way across the country, and is scrubbing the floors of her new apartment in Columbus, Ohio. I could here the echo that comes from an empty room. I could hear the fear and the excitement in her voice. I am so proud of her, of them. And so envious of the gumption it took to do it. The rest of her family will arrive there next week. She is where I thought I might be this August, in an ethnically and racially more diverse place. I chose to stay here, and continue to create within the amazing community we have here, and that is growing visibly all the time. Still maybe that is part of my mysterious illness, grieving what I’ve lost, and what I haven’t yet found. I loved hearing her voice, and I missed her more than before.
In the 20,000 I know many of you have found something you were looking for, which boils it all down to the one person on this little lap top, sipping her tea, feeling hidden away and very seen all at once. To the family that fuels her, pulls her apart, breaks her open, and saturates her with light and love and the Mama in the C and the Boys.