Everything Drawer-May

I started a few conversations in the last few months that I’d like to update you on, as well as offer you a few new bits and bobs:

First Mom reconnect! In my post Unanswered I wrote about our reaching out to Sam’s first mom Tea at Mother’s Day,  and not hearing back. He had left her a voice mail message, the first time he had ever done so.  It was the first time he had heard her voice since he was about eight months old.  Not hearing back from her brought up all these doubts for me (was it too much for her to hear his voice? Was she feeling overwhelmed?)  and who knows what kind of loss it triggered for him (Had I set him up for something he wasn’t ready for? Did I frame it well enough before and after?). About a week ago, my third text message to her was answered with a very definitive; “Everything’s cool. Tell Sam I loved hearing his voice, and he can call anytime. Tell him I love him.” When I relayed this to him, he didn’t miss a beat; Tell her I love her too.”

When I asked her if our rather spontaneous and consistent sharing of letters, pictures, and now messages worked for her, she replied simply; “Yes”.  Then, she let me know that a phone is expensive, and not something she is always able to keep on.  She doesn’t read her email often, so letters are the best way to reach her. We did not have the in depth exploration of our Open Adoption relationship that I envisioned. What we did have was something that met everyone’s needs, for now.

In the Bag: A Spring Challenge So how’d you do? A bag a day was the goal. I lost speed, but can say that I got up to twenty-one bags, and the majority of bags went to friends with younger kids (11) and to Goodwill (9). I will probably start up a summer version here when school gets out.  As always it led to rearranging of a few rooms, and several moments of rekindled house pride and a false semblance of control over my environment!

Dating report: I mention it here just because I am determined this time to stick with it, until I at least find someone with whom I can say I am dating, and that we are in some kind of a relationship. I have been on a few dates, and find the process to be a fun one for the most part. It does bring up all sorts of messiness for me, in terms of expectations and self doubts, but that is where the work is I believe. Nothing like a wedding, and a gorgeous and easy, and meaningful one at that to make me realize that yes indeed that is something I want for me and my family one day. As Sam said last night while brushing his teeth; “Don’t forget Mom, now when you get married, we’ll already know how to bring you the rings.”

I am in conversation with three instrumental women or forces more like about future collaborations in the areas of transracial parenting workshops with Tara Kim and Astrid Dabbeni at Adoption Mosaic), and White Mind exploration with Annie Sibley O’Brien: author, illustrator and anti racist veteran. These conversations feel like they are bringing me closer to my authentic self.

Each one of these conversations humbles me in the presence of such powerful and magnificent women who are sharing their gifts in unparalleled ways with the world. Collaboration is where my path is leading. Of that I am clear. In Annie’s words; The genius of a collaboration to me is not so much the properties that each person brings as what happens when those are combined and something catalytic and entirely new results.

What’s in your everything drawer? What are you collaborating on?


  1. I love, love, love that quote on collaboration – would love to know Annie’s full name so I can quote her. In my work, we utilize “reflective supervision,” meaning we come together reflectively to think about the children and families we work with. I am always amazed at the magic that happens when we begin that process, no matter who is in the room with me, it is always a fantastic experience. This quote describes it well.

    BTW, I am so glad Sam’s first mom responded. I could almost FEEL Sam’s need to be responded to (maybe my own stuff??). Thank you for sharing….

  2. Those are some great updates. Glad to read that Sam got the reassurance that he needed in the first mom department, and that an arrangement that makes her comfortable has been made. Who knows, maybe he will write to her and she’ll write back, if that isn’t happening already. Congrats on your recent dates. I am sure that you will come across someone who is a great match.

  3. I like that “everything drawer” but I’m struck by your comment about Tea. I think it’s interesting that we as adoptive parents can have all these high ideals about how this relationship is going to be so open and expressive etc… but we forget that there is someone on the other side who may have different ideas and we can’t do anything about it. The other thing I wonder about a lot, is what the future holds. People do shift and change … but I don’t have a crystal ball!

    Good luck with the dating!!

    • @karmavore Thanks for the comment. I have read it over and over, and am not sure which point you are “struck” by. (I am very open to what I am missing, or how I am being obtuse, or making assumptions!) Which part of my post feels like I am “forgetting” her “ideas about it”? What I was trying to convey was that I haven’t checked in with her for five years around her needs/expectations for what this will look like. Her communication style is very different, and much less about process. Or much less about process in the way I am familiar? What is your take?

  4. When and where for the workshops I am a signing up right now!
    Collaboration – the word rolls around on my tongue happily like something yummy, but it also fills me with fear? My happiness and excitement of being with like minds and having that catalyst is mixed with “now they will know that I am not what I hope to be.” Thank you for sharing!

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