Sam: What are you looking at?
Me: Oh. Nothing, I was just thinking about moving to somewhere warm one day.
Sam: (while tossing the Nerf football to me) To Africa?
Me: Is that where you want to go?
Sam: Yes. They have lots more brown skinned people there.
Me: Yes there are. But there are places to move that are much closer too-with lots more brown skinned people. Like…
Sam: Where my first mom lives. We can move there. We can move down the street.
Me: (fumbling the ball). Would that be where you’d like to live?
Sam: Then I could just walk to her house whenever I wanted to see her. She’d always be there.
Me: That would be nice wouldn’t it? If we lived near to her?
Sam: Yes. Then she’d have four kids. Why did she not want to have four? Why did she want you to have me?
Me: It was such a hard choice for her to make Sam. Her youngest was just a baby. She was all by herself. So, she knew that she wouldn’t be able to give you all the love, attention, time, care, and other things that you needed to grow up as healthy and happy as possible…
Sam: And that is when she called you?
Me: Kind of. She didn’t call me. She read about me in a story I wrote about how much I wanted to be a mommy. She liked the pictures, seeing the water, where we lived. She liked the mommy I was going to be. That’s when she picked me, and that’s when I became your mommy.
Sam: No. You became my other mommy. She is my first mommy. But, I still don’t know why she made that decision. I think she really wants me to be living with her now.
Me: Does it feel that way?
Sam: (beaming that ball at me with the force of an NFL quarterback.) Can we stop talking about this now?
Me: Sure. Can I say one last thing?
Sam: Yes.
Me. I love it when you bring up your first mom, and all of your thinking and wondering about her. You can ask me, or tell me anything that you want to.
Sam: I know mom.
***
A new book I was told about, that I haven’t read yet; Talking to Young Children About Adoption. My dear friend who told me about the book said; “you don’t even need this.” Well as nice a thought as that is, I am sure I’ll find comfort and new information in it no matter how much practice l we have over here. I will say this, my feelings about being “second mom” and not the “only” mom have gone through a dramatic shift of late. I imagine being inside his head and heart and I just want to make it as easy and open as possible. The “it” being the conversations and the relationship with his first mom.
you handled that so well. bravo.
I’ll never know how “well” until he is about 18! But I would say I am getting better at these conversations indeed! Thank you.
Your strength, courage and kinde-heartedness speaks volumes about your character. What a lucky little boy Sam is to have you.
I would say that I am the lucky one. This young man has changed me profoundly. Thank you for commenting, and supporting the single mama!
Love this! So glad you shared it with me!!
Dawn-so nice to have you “stop by”.Your writing, and your daughter have encouraged my shift in many ways.
Love this story. You’re amazing. It takes a strong, confident “second mama” to keep this kind of perspective. Those are some lucky kids you have!
P.S.–
You guys can come visit Africa to check out the option before you decide the warm place you’re going to move. 🙂
Thank you Sarah! You won’t have to invite us twice!
[…] for blog updates, usually from guest bloggers. There was one entry which caught my attention, and another entry which was ping-backed from […]
Wow, well maybe not, “wow”…how does one type that feeling you get in your heart when you are so moved by something/someone? I’m tempted to add the book you mention to my ever growing list of books to read. I’m thoroughly intrigued by the ins and outs of adoptive parenting. I do however know about the shut-the-door-in-your-face-heartbreak of raising pubescent/young adult children, and all of the subsequent shifts in perspective as I navigate my way through this very new phase of parenting.
“Another friend applauded my not feeling “threatened”. Again I responded, threatened by what?”
Many people believe adoptees can only have one mother.
Thank you for joining in here Mei-Ling. In my experience, the mental/emotional negating of the “first mother” was born of fear of not being enough of a mother to “compete” with his biological mother. After years of mothering my son, I came to believe in that act as it’s own event. This has created so much space for his first mother, his increasingly important biological mother to assume her omni-present role in his life. Many children have a mother and a father for example. My son can have a first mother, and a second mother. Do you think that is an accurate comparison? What is your experience?
[In my experience, the mental/emotional negating of the “first mother” was born of fear of not being enough of a mother to “compete” with his biological mother.]
I think that is a very good factor into the usage of the term “mother” – prefix or not.
I plan to adopt one day.
Conversations like this don’t even make you a little bit hurt? My mom and my dad broke up when I was pretty young, and I mostly stayed with my mom. Whenever I was with my dad, I’d scream and scream, “I want my mommy. I want my mommy.” Looking back, I can’t imagine that not having stinging a bit.
I don’t know; the idea of being not enough makes me scared. I already have enough insecurity issues as it is! I guess those are things you have to get past when it comes time to be a parent?
Courtney-I feel them yes. But, it isn’t “hurt” it is awareness that he has two life paths that he is navigating. Yes, I feel them, but really they serve to deepen our relationship. I didn’t always feels this way–it has been work-don’t get me wrong! I am thrilled to see you back here–and love that adoption is in your future!